Back to Writing Shit about Stuff and Putting it on the Internet

September 16, 2008 at 1:55 pm · Filed under Ramblings ·Tagged , , ,

I haven’t really written very much on this blog for quite some time, and I would have probably completely forgotten I had it at all if I hadn’t received an email from WordPress today, telling me someone called ‘Ludwig Konig’ had commented on my hugely controversial tour-de-force on the BNP.

Well, I’m back. And it’s all thanks to you Ludwig. Today is Ludwig Day – put that in your diary kids.

Ludwig, Ludwig, Ludwig. Now we’re friends can I call you fuck-tard? I’ll call you fuck-tard anyway – I don’t really need your permission. Let’s have a look at your comment, which I must say contributed very little and sounds like it was written by someone who lives alone and eats moths.

“Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe in freedom of speech . . .” blah blah. The usual shit from the usual orifices.”

If it is just shit – why would I have approved your comment, and the others which disagree with me? Idiot. Also, I’m curious: what are the usual orifices? I shit through my bum-hole after eating. It appears, however, that you shit through your mouth after thinking. These are clearly two distinct orifices – which are you referring to?

Stewart hasn’t a clue about anything relating to the real issues under discussion at all

Really? Have you read what he posted? Or were there not enough pictures for you to make sense of it all? The idea of British identity is one which the BNP plays very heavily on – except they do so not through a sense of national pride, but rather through a collection of racist ideas and cod-science. This is what Stewart was talking about.

and you watch ‘BNP Wives’ and think it’s a revealing expose of the true face of British nationalist politics and values

Yes. As I recall it was a pretty in-depth and honest documentary. It was completely biased but when you sit down in front of something like that the keen-eyed viewer will be aware that they are only seeing one side of the coin. As I don’t have shit-for-brains I decided to do some research after watching the show – to find out how honest it was.

It was honest. As I said in the original post, BNP supporters are all close-minded racist retards.

I would like to hear from you again but perhaps next time you could be so kind as to further any discussion in a meaningful way. Moron.

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Jeremy Kyle: Hero, Villain or Just a Git?

May 16, 2008 at 9:58 am · Filed under Ramblings

I’ve been watching a lot of Jeremy Kyle recently what with being at home working on coursework and revision (I’m lucky enough to have a monitor for my PC which is also plugged into a Sky box, allowing me to work and have PiP Jeremy Kyle in the corner).  I’d like to point out that I do have a sort of ‘Jeremy Kyle ballcock’ in mind which stops me watching too much and turning into a complete couch potato.

However, no matter how much I watch, and how hard I think about it, I can’t decide if the JK show (and Jezza himself) is good, bad or somewhere in between.

On the negative side I have no doubt that Jezza and his cohorts exploit people, usually poorly educated and from the lower end of society, for entertainment. Using highly emotive language Jezza asks people to call his ‘important’ number, or text the word ‘trust’, ‘lie’, ‘pregnant’ or ‘impotent’ to the show with the aim of getting them on the telly and shouting at them. People who can barely count, and probably have difficulty knowing which end to do toilet from, are abused on TV because they feel that Jezza will make everything all right. I think it is worrying that instead of dealing with these problems on their own, people feel the need to air their dirty laundry, skid marks and all, in front of the nation.

I really am not trying to be rude, but when you see the calibre of ‘guests’ on the show it is hard to think they made an informed choice as to whether it is right for them to spill all on national TV. For example, my current favourite quote from one of Jezza’s guests goes as follows (I’ve changed the names in this ‘quote’ to protect the identity of the idiots involved and because I can’t remember them):

A DNA test was conducted to discover the father of a baby. The woman claimed to have had only one sexual partner. The DNA test results proved that her one sexual partner was not, in fact, the father of her baby.

Jezza: So you’re a filthy liar!

Shaz: No! I’m not a liar. Dean is the only man in world I’ve slept with ever n shit.

Jezza: Then how come he’s not the father! If he was the father, you scum; the DNA test would have said so!

Shaz: I’m not a liar; it is Dean’s baby n dat.

Jezza: Science has proved you’re a liar! Science! Liar!

Shaz: If it’s not Dean’s then I don’t know how it got inside me.

Jezza: So it was some kind of Immaculate Conception then?

Shaz: Yeah! They happen sometimes.

Okay, so that isn’t really a quote but the jist is there. This woman, who I have called Shaz, admitted on national telly that she believed that it was quite possible for Immaculate Conceptions to exist. How can a woman who believes she is carrying the Son of God be in a position to make an informed choice as to whether it would be a good idea or not to get help from a shouty man on telly?

Now; here is the defence. The Jeremy Kyle show does offer services and facilities to people which they may not otherwise be able to have – either because they cannot afford them or because they simply do not know they exist. I’m thinking along the lines of treatment for alcohol and drug dependency, marriage/relationship counselling and paternity tests (which do serve a purpose other than creating confrontation). Lie detector tests are pretty much useless and exist only to serve the show’s remit of creating shouting and confrontation.

The question everyone who watches this show, and others like it, need to ask themselves is this: Do the services and facilities offered justify the exploitation?

I myself am unsure; I am sure however that Jezza Kyle is an idiot.

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What Are These Gobshites Doing on the Television?

January 29, 2008 at 9:23 am · Filed under Uncategorized

I’ve just had the misfortune to tune into “Breakfast” on BBC One, presented by illuminiati Bill Turnball and Sian Williams. They were discussing a programme which is to be shown on BBC Two this evening called “What on Earth is wrong with Gravity?” The programme’s creator and presenter, Dr Brain Cox, was doing his best to explain to the resident BBC simpletons how gravity works – essentially that everything has mass, and it is this mass what does it. Poor, poor Bill and Sian – their little simian brains couldn’t get hold of this idea so they kept asking more and more irksome questions in attempt to vaguely understand what this scientist guy was talking about. I’ve included paraphrases of my favourite questions for your enjoyment.

My Favourite Bill Turnball Question:

So, you have said that everything causes gravity, like cups and people and shit. But what about the moon and planets, they have gravity and there’s no-one up there. What’s going on?

My Favourite Sian Williams Question:

Why, yeah, if the Earth has gravity and shit, yeah, did the asteroid, like, miss us?

If this level of retardation was found on a commercial channel I really wouldn’t have too much of a problem. The BBC however is funded through the licence fee and it isn’t acceptable in this day and age to have BBC news programmes presented by people who seem to have difficulty remembering which end they piss from until their trousers get wet.

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Jobs

January 27, 2008 at 8:13 pm · Filed under Grinds My Gears

I don’t want a job, I would much prefer to sit around on my arse all day playing my Xbox and eating cake while society paid me a retainer (although if I did this for too long I would probably have to go on the Jeremy Kyle show to explain to Daz that he isn’t the father, and I had slept with Gaz while we were “on a break”). Unfortunately the reality is that I need a job to get money to pay for stuff.

Recently, I’ve been applying my arse off for various positions and attending the odd interview here but I still don’t have a job. I don’t really understand why. I’m clever, have a wide range of skills, hard-working and responsible. Then it dawned on me – it’s not my fault; I’ve actually been lied to about job-hunting for years. So, to try and help you with any job hunting I’ve compiled this little guide.

Advertisements

Job adverts appear in a wide range of locations. From internet ads on websites with huge database to little free-ads nestled comfortably next to the “box-numbers” of sad lonely people in local papers. You may think that adverts are accurate, giving a genuine representation of the role which is vacant. This is bollocks. The word flexible often appears in adverts. However, it seems whoever writes these adverts has changed the meaning of flexible from “susceptible of modification or adaptation; adaptable: a flexible schedule” to “rigid”. Also, any ad which highlights “excellent rates of pay and conditions” without giving a monetary amount or describing the conditions should really read “poor rates of pay for shit work”.

Interviews

Interviews are supposed to be nerve-wracking, stressful affairs but in reality they aren’t. Don’t bother with all that pig-crap about imagining the interviewer naked or deep breathing exercises just remember to say exactly what they want to hear. If you go off on a tangent, or say something which could be misconstrued as intelligent you’ve blown it. Don’t tell the interview monkey that you “like to use initiative”, tell them that you “like to do exactly as I’m told, no questions asked”. If you are asked about future plans, for the love of god don’t say something like “wanting to advance human understanding in the field of biochemistry, with particular attention focused on cell division in the early stages of pregnancy”. Instead say something like “I’ve always had plans to work for a sweaty shit-fuck like you, preferably doing something menial and degrading.”

Skills

Remember that stuff you were told at school about transferable skills being important? Bollocks. Utter, utter bollocks. Employers are looking for skills which exactly fit the role being advertised. I mean, what use is an in-depth knowledge of electronics when the role requires you to answer a telephone? If you need a job in a shop working the checkout, don’t bother mentioning that you gained a distinction for your sixth-form economics project or that you won several awards for your maths ability. Rather you should emphasise that you are actually quite good at pressing buttons and that. My advice when choosing which skills to develop (particularly if you are at, or going to, university and require a part-time job) is aim low. Need to work answering a telephone, well then may I suggest you practice by volunteering to answer the telephone for someone – the skills you develop will last you a lifetime.

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God-Damn the BNP Piss Me Off

January 17, 2008 at 11:03 pm · Filed under Grinds My Gears ·Tagged , , , , ,

I’ve just finished watching “BNP Wives” on Sky One. It made me angry.

Don’t get me wrong, I truly believe in freedom of speech – even if what is said offends, but the people on this programme were nothing more than close-minded racist retards. A couple of things in particular really got to me (e.g. one fat old BNP woman activist telling a young lad that you have to eat halal meat in the Navy – bollocks, utter bollocks) so I decided to go online and look at the BNP website and see what their views and policies are.

Here are the results of my research…

The BNP disapprove of mixed race marriages. Why? Well to save you the time of having to look at the BNP’s web-shite I will explain. According to the BNP, mixed race marriages lead to the extinction of various human genotypes.

“It is sad when a unique human genotype becomes extinct – as has happened around the world in the past and is happening today in the Amazon”

“While a small number of mixed marriages – or mixed race children – in Britain won’t, in themselves, make any difference, if this is encouraged however as it is at present by politicians and the media then inevitably the traditional British genotype will be endangered in the long-term.”

Hmm, sounds like pig-crap to me. The fact is there is no “traditional British genotype”. According to an article from The Guardian online there is evidence that mainland Britain had its land-bridge to the continent cut around 400,000 years ago. BNP, are you honestly telling me that since that time there has been no immigration? Thought not. England was essentially created in 1066 after Normans came here from, where was it again? That’s right Normandy. In France. Good work shit-heads.

The BNP don’t like gays

“The BNP supports the traditional ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ attitude to homosexuality and is opposed to the flaunting or celebrating of homosexuality”

Apparently, the BNP don’t mind black people, Asian people or foreigners. They are just different.

“We simply believe that the different races are different, just as men and women are different, and as such they cannot be directly compared.”

What? The only difference is the colour of their skin and a few minor genetic differences (e.g. Asian people are generally less tolerant to booze than people of European descent – let me know if this is an urban myth) Black people aren’t a different species. Comparing a white man to a black man is not the same as comparing a man to a woman, or a brick to a pigeon. Racist fuck-monkeys.

Despite policies of voluntary resettlement (a ‘colour-blind’ policy of offering fifty grand to anyone who wants to live somewhere else) the BNP does not want to see an all white Britain. Hmm, ok. The BNP believe that there should be ethnic minorities…

“Ethnic minorities should be just that – minorities, making up no more than 2-3% of the population of any given area.”

OK, and perhaps the areas where the minorities live could be called something cheery like ‘ghettos’, and people who live in these ‘ghettos’ could wear some kind of identifying arm-band. Also, where did the 2-3% population figure come from? Thin air? Nick Griffin’s arse-hole?

There is more, and no doubt I will rant on again at some point but for now go and look at the BNP website and see how angry it makes you.

I really hate racists, but you have to counter them with reasoned argument – not banning them from speaking. If you see a BNP candidate, protest or activist don’t shout at them or throw fiery bricks talk to them. Try to convert them or at least get them to see how they are wrong.

References

BNP Website, full of useless racist bull-plop, only handy if you think Hitler was generally OK – http://www.bnp.org.uk

More from the wonderful people at the BNP – http://www.bnp.org.uk/countering-the-smears/

From the Guardian Online, interesting and factual – http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/jul/19/uknews.sciencenews

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Without Exception Cyclists Are Shit-Heads*

January 15, 2008 at 8:34 pm · Filed under Grinds My Gears

You read the headline, I mean it.

I can’t drive; I walk, get the bus or get lifts in other people’s cars and it really pisses me off when I see a cyclist. Let me explain.

If I’m walking on the pavement too or from the pub there is usually at least a hundred (perhaps a slight exaggeration) cyclists riding towards me. Cyclists on cycles are not pedestrians. This isn’t the Oz we’re living in where it is perfectly acceptable to have wheeled people walking around; this is the normal, grey, wet, cold world where pavements are meant for things using legs to gain forward momentum. If you ride a bike on the pavement I will walk into you, hopefully forcing you into the path of oncoming traffic.

Red lights mean stop. Simple. I have no reason to have any knowledge of the Highway Code but even I know that bit. Red. Stop. Red. Stop. Fucking simple. If cyclists weren’t too busy listening to iPods and admiring themselves and their alloy penis extensions in any reflective surface they passed perhaps I wouldn’t have to keep dodging them at pedestrian crossings.

When on the road, you are a vehicle not a lighthouse or a laser-rock show. Again, this bit is simple – a single white light burning forward and a red light burning continuously to the rear. No blue lights, no flashing halogen bulbs or neon signs which say “I’m a massive dick”. Two. Little. Lights. One. Red. The. Other. White. Idiots.

I’m starting to think all cyclists are retarded shit-heads.

*There are a few exceptions, but most cyclists are shit-heads.

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Shemales – the Dilemma of Our Time

January 9, 2008 at 11:34 am · Filed under Uncategorized

If someone chooses to be a shemale, tranny, ladyboy or whatever I really don’t have a problem. If someone gets aroused by a shemale, tranny, ladyboy or whatever I really don’t have a problem. But I do have a question, who first thought “I’m bored and need money. Perhaps I’ll go and take some photos of a few pre-op male-to-female transsexuals and sell them to people.” And why did they think this? Did they think it was an easy way to keep the mind occupied and make some money?

I’m pretty sure that Mr Bubbles, or whatever the first purveyor of ladyboy porn was called, didn’t carry out extensive market research on the streets of towns and cities around the world.

Mr Bubbles: “Excuse me sir, do you have a few moments to answer a few market research questions?”

Joe Public: “Why yes I do.”

Mr Bubbles: “Are you a single gentleman sir?”

Joe Public: “Yes.”

Mr Bubbles: “And do you enjoy an evening’s pornography once in a while?”

Joe Public: “I’d be lying if I said no.”

Mr Bubbles: “Do you like pornography showing intercourse between men and women?”

Joe Public: “Yes”

Mr Bubbles: “How would you feel if the man and woman in your pornography were combined into one?”

Joe Public: “What, with eight limbs and two heads?”

Mr Bubbles: “No that would be weird; I’m talking about a woman with a dick.”

Joe Public: “Sounds OK to me.”

I’m pretty certain the sort of conversation outlined above never actually happened.

Also; after Mr Bubbles, or whoever, had taken his photos and managed to sell them to someone who would publish them onto the Internet did people find them? I’ve been watching TV for about 22 years now and I can honestly say I’ve never seen an advert for a shemale website. Confused.com is perhaps the closest we’re going to get – at least in my lifetime. How did the popularity of such sites spread? Word of mouth?

Sam: “Hi mate, good weekend?”

Bill: “Yeah not bad, spent most of the time surfing the net”

Sam: “See any good porn?”

Bill: “As it happens, I did. I found a site which catered for my every need – and could do the same for you.”

Sam: “Big tits was it?”

Bill: “No my friend. Shemales.”

Sam: “Shemales? Are they some kind of woman with a penis – that is a fantasy I’ve been having for years but I would have never imagined that they actually existed. My goodness when I get home I too will look at pictures of shemales, and probably pay for the privilege.

Can’t see that happening to be honest. I can understand curiosity drawing people to the strange world of the ladyboy – in the same way the Victorians would pay to see people with horrible deformities dancing for pennies. But to subscribe to one of the thousands of web-sites devoted to this topic – surely there isn’t a large enough market. Or maybe there is….

Finally, they’re not chicks with dicks they’re men with boobs.

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My New Favourite Sport – Try It

January 8, 2008 at 7:27 pm · Filed under Ramblings ·Tagged , , ,

I’m not the most active person on the planet, and sport tends to bore me a little – with the exception of cricket (which is essentially drinking beer and eating cake in a field on a nice sunny day). However I am competitive and I do enjoy a challenge; therefore I have created an excellent new sport which can be played by one or more players. Inside. So there is no need to get wet, cold and muddy, and you can have a nice cup of tea whilst you rack up points. I call this sport Professional Indoor Jehovah’s Witness Baiting or PIJ-WiB for short. And it is sweet. I have compiled a guide to get you started and hopefully a league can be formed in the near future.

PIJ-WiB For Beginners

JWs have one mission when they come to your door. They care little if you are dressed or if your house is full of empty scotch bottles and dead hookers, all they care about is converting you and making you join their cult. The aim of PIJ-WiB is simple, convert the JWs to atheism. This is not an easy task and even the founder of PIJ-WiB has so far been unable to achieve this goal.

All is not lost however, as players can tot up points by performing various tasks – a list of tasks and points is shown below.

Starting the Match

Very simply, invite the JWs in, and offer them a nice cup of tea.

Scoring

  • Referring to Jehovah’s Witnessing as a cult - 2pts (maximum of five times per match)
  • Getting a JW to accept the existence of Dinosaurs – 5pts
  • Getting a JW to accept the Earth is many billions of years old – 5pts
  • Getting a JW to accept the Big Bang theory(ies) – 10pts
  • Confusing a JW by reading literally a bible passage which they interpret – 15pts
  • Confusing a JW by interpreting a bible passage which they read literally – 15pts
  • Getting a JW to accept the theory of evolution    – 50pts

If you manage to convert a JW to atheism then you score the super-max score of 250pts on top of any other points scored in the match.

Ending the Match

JWs aren’t allowed to leave until they are asked to leave, so to finish politely ask them to bugger off and stop wasting your time.

This sport really is good fun, and if you have any suggestions for tasks which earn points or if you wish to join the league then get in touch. Happy PIJ-WiBbing.

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I Suppose I Should Write Something…

January 6, 2008 at 7:42 pm · Filed under Uncategorized

Not entirely sure why, but I thought I’d start a web-log.

A lot of stuff makes me angry, not Incredible Hulk angry, but angry all the same and I think I will abuse freedom of speech online to vent my various frustrations.

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